NFL Picks: Week 14

Yep...it's nickname week.


Last Week
Joe: 8-8
Figgs: 6-10
Nick: 5-11
Figgs' $ Picks: 2-2
Nick's $ Picks: 2-1, 0 SB


Season to Date
Joe: 90-96-4
Nick: 83-103-4
Figgs: 83-103-4
Figgs' $ Picks: 17-17-1
Nick's $ Picks: 10-9-1, +3 Schrute Bucks


Thursday Night Football, 8:20
JUST WIN, BABY (+10.5) vs Donks
Figgs: Denver. Peyton seems to be on cruise control while the Raiders ...well, not so much.
Joe: Donks; Really big spread for a road team. But Oakland is REALLY awful. I'll take Peyton and give those points without hesitation.
Nick:
AFF: The Raiders kept it close against the Browns, and I'm going to maintain steadfast to my belief that the Browns are actually a quality team.
Editor's note: How about this brilliant 5-10-2 start Andy is off to? The magic is gone, friends.


Sunday 1:00 kickoff
THE GREATEST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE NFL (-5.5) vs Chieves
Figgs: Browns. KC got their emotional victory last week, now they can go back to sucking.
Joe:Browns; Finally, back to being favorites. Romeo and Brady have always been class acts as human beings, and I always liked both of them as human beings. However, their coaching/playing abilities leave much to be desired. Oh, and fuck Peyton Hillis. Let's stay on a roll, Brownies.
Nick: Browns
AFF: Joe, what do you mean by "back"? We've been favored in games before? Not surprisingly, I love the Browns in this, in part because I love the Browns. Fun fact: Weeden's Passer Rating (72) is lower than McCoy's was in 2011 (75) even though Weeden hasn't played the traditionally tough for QB's games in December.

BUFFALOES (-3) vs Lambs
Figgs: Jills. You can't get much more of a mediocre game than this. Both teams have some talent and are a step above the teams at the bottom of the league, but are certainly still a ways away from contention. Buffalo gets the standard home 3, and I have no idea which way to lean.
Joe: Buffaloes; The Lambs are an undefeated 4-0-1 vs teams in their division. Their problem is a 1-6 record vs everyone else. I would take them if they were in the dome, but on the road, I'll go with the Buffaloes.
Nick: Bills
AFF: Seriously, why would you name all of your sports teams and logos after an animal because your city is called that? I'm going all groupthink here and taking the Buffalo Football Buffaloes anyway because the Rams basically made their season with last week's upset and are due for a letdown in the chilly Ruff Buff.

BUNGLES (-3) vs 'Pokes
Figgs: Cinncy. I'd put the Bengals just slightly above Buffalo/St. Louis and the average teams, while I'd put Dallas slightly below. I took the Bills with the same spread - ergo, Cinncy.
Joe: Bungles; I keep going against them, and they keep covering. I'm done with that, so they'll probably bungle this game up. But Tony Romo is known as Mr. November for a reason. When December rolls around, he struggles big time.
Nick: Bengals.
AFF:When Joe writes "Mr November" I thought of the Kids in the Hall's bizarre cult classic comedy Brain Candy where the closeted Dad is watching some beefcake movie and the voiceover says "Mr...NoVEMber." I guess you had to be there. I'm taking the Cincitucky Bunglers largely as a vote of no confidence in the 'Pokes.

HORSESHOES (-6) vs Titties
Figgs: Indy. I heard a similar discussion as Andy and thought the same thing - RGIII has to be your Rookie of the Year. But Luck is still really good. Tennessee doesn't do much for me.
Joe: Shoes; I agree with RG3 being ROY, but I'm not gonna worry too much about Luck's passer rating. They are asking him to do way more than Griffin with a lot less talent around him. He has Zero running game and has to throw it 50+ times every game. Yes, he makes some mistakes, but he makes a lot of brilliant throws as well.
Nick: Titans.
AFF: Remember what I said about Weeden's Passer Rating vis a vis McCoy's from a year ago? Would you believe that Andrew Luck's is all of...76? I saw an ESPN story floating Luck and fellow rookie QB's Russell Wilson and Bob Griffin as MVP candidates. Bleacher Report had a story asking who's been the best rookie QB this season. Seriously, guys? I know the Colts are resurgent, and Luck has done some impressive things and is clearly on the path to success, but he's TWENTY-NINTH in Passer Rating (trailing luminaries like Blaine Gabbert and Jake Locker) and has thrown more interceptions than any other QB. Meanwhile, Griffin has a Passer Rating of 104.4, has 17 TD's to only 4 INT's, has rushed for over 700 yards, and is generally fucking awesome. I guess after all that I kind of need to pick the Tittiess, no?

PURPLE PEOPLE EATERS (+3) vs Monsters of the Midway
Figgs: Bears. These guys have been doing their best as of late to make me eat my words early in the season, but I'm not going to abandon them now. Maybe next week if they lose again.. ($)
Joe: PPEaters; I'm gonna take them getting points at home. The Bears haven't seemed to be the SB contender I thought they were, lately. I like Peterson to get a lot of yards on the ground this week and squeak out a W.
Nick: Bears.
AFF: When I was younger, my sister had a Vikings t-shirt. Hey, none of us are above .500 - this logic is every bit as valid as any.

FLORIDA PIRATES (-9) vs Iggles
Figgs: Bucs. Don't like giving that many points, and Foles showed some signs of life last week, but Tampa is just in a much better situation right now.
Joe: Iggles; Not confident, but this is just too many points. Bryce Brown has looked as good or better than Shady the last 2 weeks. His kryptonite, however, is an insane amount of fumbles. He needs to work on that big time and he can be a great back in this league. Foles is all right, and these two have been able to help Philly put up pts, so I like them to at least keep this close.
Nick: Tampa.
AFF:If I'm reading this correctly, Joe chose the Iggles on the basis of something called "Foles," which sounds like a lawyer or a dietary supplement. I believe I'll be taking the Florida Pirates this week down in the swamp. Is it a swamp? I've never been.

GRIFFSKINS (-3) vs ratbirds
Figgs: ratbirds. The way these two teams have been playing, the Skins absolutely deserve to be the favorite, but I'm still a little surprised that Vegas actually did it. I'm still not sure how consistent Washington can be, and this seems like a perfect opportunity to fall flat.
Joe: Griffskins; (That's the nickname I would have used). I like the skins alot. They look like much more of a SB contender than the Rats lately. They can run the ball, they have a QB that doesn't turn the ball over and makes explosive plays with his feet, and they have a good defense. Baltimore looks like a team that will be bounced at home in Rd 1 of the playoffs.
Nick: Skins.
AFF:Joe's name was better than mine, so I changed it. And no way in hell do I take the rats against RG3 and the Griffskins. That guy's a baller.

NEWTONS (+4) vs Dirty Birds
Figgs: ATL. 4? Don't you mean 8? ($ -3.5)
Joe: Newtons; I'm gonna quote Lee Corso on this small spread. "Somebody know something that the rest of us don't know. So I'm going to go with the Somebody."
Nick: Panthers.
AFF:I don't know the Something to which Joe is referring, but I do know that the Panthers lost to the Chieves last week, so I'm taking the Dirty Birds

JAGOFFS (+3) vs J! E! T! S!
Figgs: I would rather watch a UMass/Northern Iowa women's javelin contest in which all participants are overweight and total uggos than this game. I'm going to take a stand and not even pick this game and just take the loss.
Joe: Jagoffs; HA! Automatic loss. That's priceless! (I have no insight on my pick, but I'm still gonna make one to try and add to my lead in the standings.)
Nick: Jagoffs.
AFF:In the words of my buddy BK: woof. I'll take the Jets, because frankly, it's been an off year for the NIU Lady Tracksters.

SQUEALERS (-7) vs Bolts
Figgs: Chargers. I'm fully on record that SD sucks total ass, but like I'm going to take a Charlie Batch-led shitsburgh team giving a full touchdown.
<>Joe: Bolts; </>Yeah, they suck. But of course I'm going against that freakin team.
Nick: Pittsburgh.
AFF:I hate when Pittsburgh is favored, in part because it means they have a good chance to win, and also because if you take them, you run the risk of having to watch them win and simultaneously not cover, which is infuriating. What I'm saying here, is Bolts.


(4:05 kickoff)
SAN FIASCO (-10) vs Fish
Figgs: Cisco. I never have any idea with this team. They should cover this by halftime, but there's a decent chance they just go out and lose altogether.
Joe: Fish; Just because of the inconsistency in SF and the fact that the spread is so big.
Nick: Dolphins.
AFF: I'll take the Fish here in anticipation of some inevitable quibble by Nick that the line isn't -9.5 instead.


(4:25 kickoffs)
SHEHAWKS (-10) vs Free Larry!
Figgs: 'Hawks. Hate taking another double-digit favorite that I don't have a lot of confidence in. Then again, it's the Cardinals.
Joe: Shehawks; 12th man and Beast Mode vs this abortion of a franchise and some guy called Lindley? You can take your 10 points.
Nick: Hawks.
AFF: Lindley and Foles: Attorneys at Law. I think the Cardinals will lose close as Larry Fitz auditions for a decent team.

G-MEN (-5) vs 'Aints
Figgs: Saints. Same goes for NYG as SF. The only difference is the Giants are playing a good team this week.
Joe: 'Aints; Their playoff dreams are all but over, but they should still come to play just in case of a miracle. The GMen are an enigma. I'll go with bad GMen this week.
Nick: Saints.
AFF: Brees can't be that bad two weeks in a row, right? And the Giants know if they win too many they'll have to play a home playoff game, and that's not how
they roll, so I'm going 'Aints


Sunday Night Football, 8:20 kickoff
PACK (-7) vs Megatrons
Figgs: Lions. Should be a shootout, I'll take Detroit making a game of it.
Joe: Pack; Not sure about giving a full TD, but the Trons have got to be so deflated after back to back Browns-esque heartbreaking losses.
Nick: Packers.
AFF: Let's go with the Pack here, because otherwise I'd have to back a football team from the state of michigan, the entirety of about which I do not care.


Monday Night Football, 8:30 kickoff
PATSIES (-3) vs Cows
Figgs: Tex. Now we're talking MNF, two great weeks in a row. There's a very good chance this is an AFC Championship preview, and a Houston win here will guarantee it's played in Texas. I wish for that to happen.
Joe: Cows; This goes against my better judgement of to always pick Brady, but I just think Houston does everthing well. Solid QB, great running game, playmaking wideouts, and solid defense. They are the prototypical SB championship team.
Nick: Pats.
AFF:I'm taking the Cows as well - there's something papery about this Patriots team, explosive as their offense is, that I can see being exposed in this contest.

Figgs $ teaser: Cleveland (-1)/Indianapolis (SU)/Seattle (-4)