Raytorious

You've probably given some thought to the consequences of a long-term NFL lockout: fans losing a season, players and employees losing their paychecks, freer Sundays for you. But there's one you probably left out of your calculus: Ray Lewis' impending crime spree. Look out, Baltimore - the NFL's most notorious is going to be back on the loose if there's no football this year, and he's got crime on the brain. The above-linked article by James Walker, summarizing an interview Lewis granted ESPN's Sal Palantonio, really shows how crazy Lewis is, as if there was any doubt.

One of the consequences of a lost NFL season will be an increase in crime, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said in a wide-raging one-on-one interview with ESPN.
We're off to an outstanding start here, with Ray-Ray laying out an almost impossibly stupid thesis and Walker perhaps subconsciously describing the interview as "wide-raging."

Do this research if we don't have a season - watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game," Lewis told ESPN's Sal Paolantonio.
Are you threatening me? This is an incredible statement on many fronts. First of all, evil and crime are not the same thing. I'll draw you a Venn Diagram some day. Second, Lewis clearly has a remarkably low opinion of his NFL mates and humanity in general, basically coming right out and saying that football is the only thing standing between them and a life of crime.

That's because, Lewis said, the NFL lockout affects "way more than us" - the owners and the players.
Yes, also fans and employees. Everyone knows this.

"There's too many people that live through us, people live through us," he said. "Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time."
This makes no sense. What sort of special street-walking technique does Ray Lewis have?

When asked why he thought crime would increase if the NFL doesn't play games this year, Lewis said: "There's nothing else to do Sal."
Frankly, I can't understand what Lewis is trying to say here, though I'm fairly certain it's stupid. Are we suggesting that, without their careers in football, that the 1500-odd players in the NFL will immediately start committing crimes? Granted, Lewis himself is no stranger to the criminal world, but there are plenty of NFLers without a rap sheet.

Or are we saying that, without their Sunday diversion, people will have no entertainment options other than performing illegal acts. What do these people do in the offseason? What do they do Monday-Saturday? I know I wake up ever NFL Sunday and face a difficult decision between watching the Browns and committing armed robbery, but I usually put on my jersey and check out the game. I wear a straitjacket during the bye week.

Or maybe, Ray Lewis is just trying to say the stupidest possible thing. Maybe he bet a teammate that he could say something this dumb and have people take him seriously, or something.

Sunday is Day 68 of the lockout, which is now the longest work stoppage in NFL history.
Really? 68 doesn't seem so long. Also, shouldn't it not really count because it's the offseason and nothing is happening anyway?

Lewis said the current dispute boils down to a matter of ego.
He's close - it's actually money, not ego. The boiling down part was spot-on, though.

"It's simple, we really got to remove pride. Seriously. There's no other reason the issue is going on. That's why I don't get into words and all that other stuff, because it takes away from life ... itself. There's people who are really struggling for real. There's real struggles out there.
Again, the issue is about money, not pride. Also, did you notice the part here where the guy who thinks that watching him tackle other men is the only thing restraining people from doing illegal things is decrying egos? Priceless. As for the rest of it: I'm pretty sure Lewis is "get[ting] into words" here, and the last part has nothing to do with anything.

A 2-1 decision last week by the 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals kept the lockout in place pending a full appeal. A hearing is scheduled for June 3 in St. Louis.
Both judges ruling in favor of the owners were Bush appointees. Imagine that, a Republican judge siding with the greedy rich guys.

Lewis hasn't attended any of the mediation sessions between the owners and players and hasn't gone to court for any of the legal proceedings - but that might change.

"I'm not opposed to it," he said.
That's definitely what we need - the cool, levelheaded, reasonable Ray Lewis participating in high-stakes negotiations. This deal will be done in no time, with Lewis' brilliant people skills and financial acumen.

He also said he has texted NFL Players Association leader DeMaurice Smith.

"Tell me when you're ready for me to come speak," Lewis said when asked to explain the nature of the texts to Smith. "Because I'm not speaking about all, oh I want this, I want that."

When does Smith want Lewis to speak?

"Oh ... the time coming," Lewis said and then smiled for emphasis.
Stay tuned, America.