The best and worst names in pro sports

Let's roll with my 10 favorites and 10 least favorites from the four major North American sports leagues, plus some goodies and baddies that didn't crack the Top 10's. No Cleveland teams, because I can't be unbiased.


Dishonorable mention Bad
Washington Nationals: Kind of a lazy effort here. Why not go back to "Senators"? Other than the fact that no one respects actual senators anymore, that is.

Oakland Athletics: Obviously you're Athletic - that's why you're a professional sports franchise. This holdover from the franchise's Philadelphia days is one that definitely called for a fresh start.

Charlotte Bobcats/Carolina Panthers: Are these high school football teams or professional sports organizations? As recently as these North Carolina clubs were established, you'd think they could do something a bit more clever than big cats.

Buffalo Buffaloes: This goes for the football team, hockey team, and baseball team, all of which use the buffalo as their primary logo yet a nonsensical alternate name as the mascot. Why bother to call yourself the "Sabres" if you're going to festoon your jerseys with a giant buffalo head?

Los Angeles Clippers/Columbus Blue Jackets: Frankly, I don't know what these are supposed to mean. This smacks of flipping a dictionary open to a random page.

New Orleans Hornets: Considering that the Charlotte Hornets had like five fans, including this one dick guy I used to work with at the City (he was doing community service) who owned a brimless Hornets hat, a name reset would seem to have been in order. That guy was such a piece of shit.

Atlanta Thrashers: Is that bird in the center of the logo supposed to mean something? Is it thrashing?

Washington Wizards: Even before the Arenas/Crittenton flap, I never liked them ditching the Bullets name, to the point where I generally and stubbornly refer to them by the old name.


Honorable mention Good
New York Yankees
When you say this, imagine George Costanza saying it. Objectively speaking, it's pretty good.

Atlanta Braves
It just sounds good when you say it. Remember: I'm going straight names here, so I'm not penalizing them for the idiocy of the Tomahawk Chop.

Detroit Tigers
Ditto on the 1st part.

Minnesota Twins
Nice little homage to the Twin Cities here in this nickname, plus a clean-sounding, semi-alliterative name.

Colorado Rockies
If Cleveland had a giant mountain range, I would want at least one of our sporting franchises named after it. Does Chile have a team called the Andes? Because that's a fucking awesome name for a team. The Santiago Andes.

Pittsburgh Penguins
Defending Stanley Cup Champions. Sorry, had to add that. What can I say - I like alliteration, plus the idea that they actually have a cold-weather mascot, unlike...

New Jersey Devils
Cool name, but the ice would melt in hell. Though they do play '90's trap-style hockey like the Devils used to in hell, I assume.

New York Rangers
Things sound cool after "New York." It's an unfair edge.

St Louis Blues
Smooth.

Toronto Maple Leafs
Yeah, we're named after foliage - got a problem with that? I also like calling them the "Leaves."

Edmonton Oilers
In case you were wondering where Canada's natural resources are located. It's fun AND educational.

Philadelphia 76ers
History lesson!

Houston Rockets
"Astronauts" would have been cool too.

Detroit Pistons
Solid Motor City nickname, but what's up with that horse logo?

Denver Nuggets
I like how they went with this over Denver Metal or Denver Gold. Wait, what am I saying? Denver Metal would be terrific, though there's probably a junkyard or something already called that.

Milwaukee Bucks
Of all the ones I looked at here, this might have the best ring to it. Say it out loud a few times if you don't believe me.

Oakland Raiders
LA Raiders cracks the top 10. This just doesn't sound great, though "Raiders" is super-cool.

Tennessee Titans
Yes, it is because I like to call them the "Titties." And it's nice double-alliteration.

New Orleans Saints
Person in crowd: "Who's going to win the Super Bowl, AWESOME-O?"
AWESOME-O: "The New Orleans Saints."

Pittsburgh Steelers
I'm being very magnanimous here, but it's an undeniably cool name.


The Dumbest Names in Pro Sports
10 Arizona Cardinals
There are no Cardinals in Arizona. QED

9) Houston Texans
Can you imagine rooting for the Cleveland Ohioans, the Detroit Michiganers, or the Philadelphia Pennsylvanians? OK, the latter is actually an upgrade for their baseball club, but this is a generally dumb idea. I know, there used to be a Dallas Texans, but that's a whole different city that happens to have a fairly successful team now, and it wasn't a particularly inspiring name to start with. It's no "Oilers," that's for damn sure.

8) Los Angeles Lakers
THERE ARE NO LAKES IN LOS ANGELES! In fact, there's so little water that they have to steal it from neighboring areas. Hasn't anyone ever seen Chinatown? They should at least be blue, not purple. I wonder if the Minnesota Twins moved to LA, if they'd keep "Twins" even though there's only one LA? I bet the Angels wish they'd grabbed Twins sooner.

7) Memphis Grizzlies
I mean, come on, does anyone even remember the Vancouver Grizzlies? You're taking probably the most inconsequential major pro sports franchise of my lifetime not named "Bobcats," and you still decide to keep the name? I can think of 100 better names - Memphis Sauce, Memphis Blues, Memphis Elvises, Memphis Francises, Memphis Grillers, Memphis Steamboats, Memphis Not-Grizzlies. ANYTHING beats Grizzlies.

6) Utah Jazz
Almost without question the least-jazzy place in America. I'll never understand these legacy names - once you've uprooted a team from its home and its fanbase, what do you possibly have to gain from hanging on to a name, especially one particular to the original region? Bizarre. As douchey as the SuperSonics move was, at least Oklahoma City didn't hang on to that one. Oklahoma City SuperSonics would have been #2 on this list.

5) Detroit Red Wings
I can criticize this one on both WTF? grounds, as well as the grounds of what "red wings" means in sexual slang terms. Check it out on Urban Dictionary. It doesn't help that I abhor their practice of calling Detroit "Hockeytown."

4) Anaheim Ducks
It's not a good sign when I can't tell whether I like a team's name more after changing it when the original name was taken from a Disney film. That name change was the Puff Daddy to P.Diddy of pro sports. Maybe it's just me, but I like a little tougher-sounding mascot.

3) Chicago White Sox/Boston Red Sox
Naming a team after the color of their stockings doesn't seem to me like a particularly appealing route to go, especially when the White Socks usually sport black ones. I mean, this was only 100 years ago or so - were we really that backwards? How did this come about anyway - did the teams not have names to start with and were just given these names by sportswriters who totally lacked any creativity whatsoever.

2) Philadelphia Phillies
There's nothing I can say here that The Simpsons haven't already by naming Springfield's rival the Shelbyville Shelbyvillians.

1) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
For sheer inanity, this name is utterly unbeatable. First of all, you can't be the One City Players of Another City. That's stupid. Pick one, or go back to "California." Second, the translation in Spanish is "Los Los Angeles Angeles de Anaheim," which is somehow even stupider than the English version. Unreal.


The Best Names in Pro Sports (unordered)
10) Milwaukee Brewers
Like I'm NOT going to put the team named for the city's beer-making tradition in my Top 10? It's be higher, but I can't let go how they don't have Barney Brewer slide into a beer mug anymore.

9) Pittsburgh Pirates
Yeargh!

8) Texas Rangers
If Chuck Norris wasn't such a douche, this might be in my Top 10. Even better is the Spanish translation: Los Vigilantes.

7) San Jose Sharks
Fun to say, plus don't underestimate the benefits of naming one's home arena "The Shark Tank." Bad ass.

6) Montreal Canadiens
Classic, down to the Quebecois spelling. Bonus points for "Habs" (Les Habitants), the coolest alt-nickname this side of The Tribe.

5) Portland Trail Blazers
I give special uniqueness points for this one, which works equally well with and without the "Trail" part.

4) Dallas Cowboys
You don't get to be America's Team without a catchy name.

3) Miami Dolphins
Finkel is Einhorn...Einhorn is Finkel!

2) Phoenix Suns
There is simply no better name for this franchise. It sounds great, it is perfect.

1) Vancouver Canucks
It's like, everyone knows that "Canuck" is a fun slang term for a Canadian person, and then they go and name a team that! Shh...nobody tell.Let's roll with my 10 favorites and 10 least favorites from the four major North American sports leagues, plus some goodies and baddies that didn't crack the Top 10's. No Cleveland teams, because I can't be unbiased.


Dishonorable mention Bad
Washington Nationals: Kind of a lazy effort here. Why not go back to "Senators"? Other than the fact that no one respects actual senators anymore, that is.

Oakland Athletics: Obviously you're Athletic - that's why you're a professional sports franchise. This holdover from the franchise's Philadelphia days is one that definitely called for a fresh start.

Charlotte Bobcats/Carolina Panthers: Are these high school football teams or professional sports organizations? As recently as these North Carolina clubs were established, you'd think they could do something a bit more clever than big cats.

Buffalo Buffaloes: This goes for the football team, hockey team, and baseball team, all of which use the buffalo as their primary logo yet a nonsensical alternate name as the mascot. Why bother to call yourself the "Sabres" if you're going to festoon your jerseys with a giant buffalo head?

Los Angeles Clippers/Columbus Blue Jackets: Frankly, I don't know what these are supposed to mean. This smacks of flipping a dictionary open to a random page.

New Orleans Hornets: Considering that the Charlotte Hornets had like five fans, including this one dick guy I used to work with at the City (he was doing community service) who owned a brimless Hornets hat, a name reset would seem to have been in order. That guy was such a piece of shit.

Atlanta Thrashers: Is that bird in the center of the logo supposed to mean something? Is it thrashing?

Washington Wizards: Even before the Arenas/Crittenton flap, I never liked them ditching the Bullets name, to the point where I generally and stubbornly refer to them by the old name.


Honorable mention Good
New York Yankees
When you say this, imagine George Costanza saying it. Objectively speaking, it's pretty good.

Atlanta Braves
It just sounds good when you say it. Remember: I'm going straight names here, so I'm not penalizing them for the idiocy of the Tomahawk Chop.

Detroit Tigers
Ditto on the 1st part.

Minnesota Twins
Nice little homage to the Twin Cities here in this nickname, plus a clean-sounding, semi-alliterative name.

Colorado Rockies
If Cleveland had a giant mountain range, I would want at least one of our sporting franchises named after it. Does Chile have a team called the Andes? Because that's a fucking awesome name for a team. The Santiago Andes.

Pittsburgh Penguins
Defending Stanley Cup Champions. Sorry, had to add that. What can I say - I like alliteration, plus the idea that they actually have a cold-weather mascot, unlike...

New Jersey Devils
Cool name, but the ice would melt in hell. Though they do play '90's trap-style hockey like the Devils used to in hell, I assume.

New York Rangers
Things sound cool after "New York." It's an unfair edge.

St Louis Blues
Smooth.

Toronto Maple Leafs
Yeah, we're named after foliage - got a problem with that? I also like calling them the "Leaves."

Edmonton Oilers
In case you were wondering where Canada's natural resources are located. It's fun AND educational.

Philadelphia 76ers
History lesson!

Houston Rockets
"Astronauts" would have been cool too.

Detroit Pistons
Solid Motor City nickname, but what's up with that horse logo?

Denver Nuggets
I like how they went with this over Denver Metal or Denver Gold. Wait, what am I saying? Denver Metal would be terrific, though there's probably a junkyard or something already called that.

Milwaukee Bucks
Of all the ones I looked at here, this might have the best ring to it. Say it out loud a few times if you don't believe me.

Oakland Raiders
LA Raiders cracks the top 10. This just doesn't sound great, though "Raiders" is super-cool.

Tennessee Titans
Yes, it is because I like to call them the "Titties." And it's nice double-alliteration.

New Orleans Saints
Person in crowd: "Who's going to win the Super Bowl, AWESOME-O?"
AWESOME-O: "The New Orleans Saints."

Pittsburgh Steelers
I'm being very magnanimous here, but it's an undeniably cool name.


The Dumbest Names in Pro Sports
10 Arizona Cardinals
There are no Cardinals in Arizona. QED

9) Houston Texans
Can you imagine rooting for the Cleveland Ohioans, the Detroit Michiganers, or the Philadelphia Pennsylvanians? OK, the latter is actually an upgrade for their baseball club, but this is a generally dumb idea. I know, there used to be a Dallas Texans, but that's a whole different city that happens to have a fairly successful team now, and it wasn't a particularly inspiring name to start with. It's no "Oilers," that's for damn sure.

8) Los Angeles Lakers
THERE ARE NO LAKES IN LOS ANGELES! In fact, there's so little water that they have to steal it from neighboring areas. Hasn't anyone ever seen Chinatown? They should at least be blue, not purple. I wonder if the Minnesota Twins moved to LA, if they'd keep "Twins" even though there's only one LA? I bet the Angels wish they'd grabbed Twins sooner.

7) Memphis Grizzlies
I mean, come on, does anyone even remember the Vancouver Grizzlies? You're taking probably the most inconsequential major pro sports franchise of my lifetime not named "Bobcats," and you still decide to keep the name? I can think of 100 better names - Memphis Sauce, Memphis Blues, Memphis Elvises, Memphis Francises, Memphis Grillers, Memphis Steamboats, Memphis Not-Grizzlies. ANYTHING beats Grizzlies.

6) Utah Jazz
Almost without question the least-jazzy place in America. I'll never understand these legacy names - once you've uprooted a team from its home and its fanbase, what do you possibly have to gain from hanging on to a name, especially one particular to the original region? Bizarre. As douchey as the SuperSonics move was, at least Oklahoma City didn't hang on to that one. Oklahoma City SuperSonics would have been #2 on this list.

5) Detroit Red Wings
I can criticize this one on both WTF? grounds, as well as the grounds of what "red wings" means in sexual slang terms. Check it out on Urban Dictionary. It doesn't help that I abhor their practice of calling Detroit "Hockeytown."

4) Anaheim Ducks
It's not a good sign when I can't tell whether I like a team's name more after changing it when the original name was taken from a Disney film. That name change was the Puff Daddy to P.Diddy of pro sports. Maybe it's just me, but I like a little tougher-sounding mascot.

3) Chicago White Sox/Boston Red Sox
Naming a team after the color of their stockings doesn't seem to me like a particularly appealing route to go, especially when the White Socks usually sport black ones. I mean, this was only 100 years ago or so - were we really that backwards? How did this come about anyway - did the teams not have names to start with and were just given these names by sportswriters who totally lacked any creativity whatsoever.

2) Philadelphia Phillies
There's nothing I can say here that The Simpsons haven't already by naming Springfield's rival the Shelbyville Shelbyvillians.

1) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
For sheer inanity, this name is utterly unbeatable. First of all, you can't be the One City Players of Another City. That's stupid. Pick one, or go back to "California." Second, the translation in Spanish is "Los Los Angeles Angeles de Anaheim," which is somehow even stupider than the English version. Unreal.


The Best Names in Pro Sports (unordered)
10) Milwaukee Brewers
Like I'm NOT going to put the team named for the city's beer-making tradition in my Top 10? It's be higher, but I can't let go how they don't have Barney Brewer slide into a beer mug anymore.

9) Pittsburgh Pirates
Yeargh!

8) Texas Rangers
If Chuck Norris wasn't such a douche, this might be in my Top 10. Even better is the Spanish translation: Los Vigilantes.

7) San Jose Sharks
Fun to say, plus don't underestimate the benefits of naming one's home arena "The Shark Tank." Bad ass.

6) Montreal Canadiens
Classic, down to the Quebecois spelling. Bonus points for "Habs" (Les Habitants), the coolest alt-nickname this side of The Tribe.

5) Portland Trail Blazers
I give special uniqueness points for this one, which works equally well with and without the "Trail" part.

4) Dallas Cowboys
You don't get to be America's Team without a catchy name.

3) Miami Dolphins
Finkel is Einhorn...Einhorn is Finkel!

2) Phoenix Suns
There is simply no better name for this franchise. It sounds great, it is perfect.

1) Vancouver Canucks
It's like, everyone knows that "Canuck" is a fun slang term for a Canadian person, and then they go and name a team that! Shh...nobody tell.