Friday, February 10

NFL Hate Rankings!

With Super Bowl 46 in the books and seven months without football staring us down, I thought I'd take the opportunity to rank all 32 NFL teams in increasing order of how I semi-arbitrarily dislike them. Always a good exercise, especially here on the eve of Valentine's Day. Enjoy!

32) Cleveland Browns
Obviously, our favorite team here on FCF, included here only for completeness. Man do I want for the Browns to become competitive again. We've been through enough.

31) Buffalo Buffaloes
A kindred spirit; Midwestern Rust Belt city with a legacy of tough losses in big games. The only sports video that I own is the Frank Reich Game.

30) Green Bay Packers
One of the league's classiest and marquee franchises - how can you not like a club owned by its fans? And I haven't forgotten for even one second the beautiful service to humanity they did for us in Super Bowl 45.

29) New Orleans Saints
Largely because of Drew Brees, but I also like the fast and furious offense the Saints run. They have a very aesthetically pleasing style of play. Speaking of aesthetics - I like that they actually have gold in their uniforms so one can point to them and remind steeler fans: yours are yellow.

28) Philadelphia Eagles
I played on the New Philadelphia Eagles as a youngster and have always had them as my NFC team. I like their uniforms and the cool hat I have, and enjoyed the McNabb Era. Furthermore, Randall Cunningham is my favorite NFL player ever. That guy was awesome.

27) Oakland Raiders
Coolest uniforms in sports plus a badass, hardcore fan base. There's something very sinister and tough about them, and I like that. Just win, baby.

26) Minnesota Vikings
What can I say - I have a soft spot for teams who've been to the Super Bowl four times and not come away with a victory. I'm sure Figgs will concur with this pick.

25) Miami Dolphins
Finkel is Einhorn! Einhorn is Finkel!

24) Indianapolis Colts
I'm just going to use this space to remind readers that every year 53 players win a Super Bowl and every year only one wins the MVP, and Peyton Manning has won four MVP awards.

23) Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals' position on this list is a balance between disliking them because they're an AFC North rival of the Browns, and liking them out of Ohio solidarity and because my Dad is a fan. I hope it's clear where my loyalties lie with respect to our other divisional nemeses.

22) Chicago Bears
The Bears seem like a moderately cool team to support. I once saw a piece about how much franchises are worth now and how much they were originally purchased for, and I think the Bear franchise has appreciated like 10000% in value.

21) Atlanta Falcons
I think Figgs skipped his Super Bowl pick this year because of confusion regarding not being able to select the ATL.

20) St Louis Rams
I personally enjoyed the Faulk/Warner/Holt/Bruce "Greatest Show on Turf" era and the fact that they ripped a team away from LA, because fuck LA. Their Super Bowl win over the Rams in '99 ended a long string of mostly bad Super Bowls and ushered in the modern, competitive Super Bowl, interrupted only by Tampa Bay laying the wood to the Raiders in '02.

19) Tennessee Titans
Eddie George, anyone? I know Nick is salty about them ended the name "Houston Oilers," but I loved the Music City Miracle and the one time they knocked pittsburgh out of the playoffs when I was drunk after a long day of Blades of Steel.

18) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I wish they'd go back to their comical old orange colors.

17) San Diego Chargers
I'm just not as into the powder blue ones as everyone else. What powder, exactly, is blue?

16) Kansas City Chieves
"Arrowhead Stadium" is really cool-sounding.

15) Carolina Panthers
I trust we've all seen the Panthers' new logo, courtesy of The Onion?

14) Detroit Lions
We're not Detroit! Ndamukong's thuggery cost them several spots on this list.

13) New York Giants
Thank goodness someone finally won a title for the championship-starved denizens of New York City!

12) Seattle Seahawks
Explain to me how, exactly, I'm supposed to form an opinion on the Seattle Seahawks.

11) San Francisco 49ers
The ultimate bandwagon team of the '80's and early '90's. Yeah, sure, Ohio resident, makes perfect sense that you'd root for a team thousands of miles away. I do like those unis though.

10) Houston Texans
I have a bias against Texas - it's as simple as that. There's also a certain lack of imagination in this team's name.

9) Arizona Cardinals
There are no Cardinals in Arizona.

8) Jacksonville Jaguars
You have no fans. Stop existing.

7) Denver Broncos
1986. 1987. And 1989. Were it not for Tebow's Wild Card heroics this year, they'd be closer to the top spot.

6) New England Patriots
Between the bandwagon fans, Boston's sickening run of championships, evil Bill Belichick, Robert Kraft's stupid white shirt collars, and having a cartoon of their stadium on their field (?), there's a lot to disagree with when it comes to the Pats. Oh yeah, and their all-time best player and current QB, Tom Brady, went to a certain school up north. They did derail steeler Super Bowl bids in '01 and '04, so I'll give them some credit for that.

5) Washington Redskins
This high ranking is entirely because of owner Dan Snyder.

4) New York Jets
Quite simply, the most obnoxious team in the NFL.

3) Dallas Cowboys
"America's Team" - give me a fucking break.

2) Baltimore Ravens
They stole our team with the help of former owner Art Modell, wear these horrific purple/black/yellow/Maryland state seal uniforms, have the league's most preposterously-dressed fans, and have foisted a collection of thugs and murderers like Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs on the NFL. Any other league, and they'd be #1 on this list. However...

1) Pittsburgh steelers
Obviously. A Google search for "Pittsburgh steelers" I just conducted took 0.22 seconds, which is about how long I needed to think about where to rank them on this list. They're almost as entrenched here as the Browns are at #32.

1 comment:

Figgs said...

A lot of the same teams I would have near the top and bottom, with some jumbling in the middle. I'd say the biggest differences would be that I like Tennessee a lot more (I mean Eddie freaking George!) and have Miami much lower (or is it higher?) than 25. Maybe I'll just stop being so lazy and post my own.