Thursday, December 1

NFL Picks: Week 13

Holy shit, Joe. I'm going to take my annual "I really suck (this season even worse than ever I think)so I'm gonna go George Costanza and pick the opposite" approach. We'll see how it treats me.


Last Week
Joe: 12-4
Nick: 9-7
Figgs: 7-9

Figgs' $ Picks: 2-2
Nick's $ Picks: 3-1-1


Current Standings
Joe: 95-72-8
Nick: 85-82-8
Figgs: 76-91-8

Figgs' $ Picks: 12-18-1
Nick's $ Picks: 29-18-5


Thursday Night Football

SHEHAWKS (+3) vs Iggles
Figgs: Seattle's not as bad as we think, and I think the Eagles have given up on the season. But since I clearly know nothing and am going with the Costanza-method...Philly.
Joe: Eagles; Tempted to go the other way here, but the Eagles should have enough talent to win this game easily, even with the injuries. The question is, will they? No confidence at all, but I'll say yes, they will.
Nick: Seahawks. Beat up Eagles team travelling across the country. Nothing to play for. Embattled coach. The biggest disappointment in the NFL. Playing in the league's loudest stadium. On a short week. At night. Seattle's Super Bowl. Sentence fragments. Classic game to grab the Hawks as the home dog. Let's do it. ($)
Andy: I had so much fun reading Joe and Jason's work that I decided to chime in this week as well. I love how everyone is going to use this Philly team's disastrous year as "proof" of the notion that it's not talent that wins, but you have to play as a team, which is basically nonsense. They just sucked. I guarantee Skip Bayless is loving this Eagle collapse.


Sunday, 1 pm kickoff

BUCS (-3) vs Fighting Cams
Figgs: Bucs. Not sure why Vegas is still respecting TB.
Joe: Panthers; Underachieving Bucs team vs. Superman. I'll gladly take Cam getting points in this one. I look for continued improvement from Cam, and next year, who knows? Super Bowl for Superman?
Nick: Bucs. Blount is running the ball pretty well and the Bucs have played a really tough slate so far. Things start evening out this week.
Andy: I feel like, in years past, I would know why there's no line yet. I assume Cam Newton or Josh Freeman is questionable, but who knows. Turns out it's Freeman and the line is Panthers by 3.

SQUEALERS (-6.5) vs Bungles
Figgs: Bengals. Let's go Cinncy!
Joe: Bengals; Why? Because Fuck Pittsburgh, that's why!
Nick: Bengals. Because the Steelers can still easily miss the playoffs, that's why.
Andy: Not much I can add here to what J&J have said, though I'm not above piling on: the steelers suck and I hope they lose. At the very least I hope the Bungles take out half their team so we can clean up the mess on Thursday.

The PERENIALLY 8-8 HOUSTON TEXANS (+3) vs Dirty Birds
Figgs: ATL. Haha, on one of the super rare weeks I'd pick against the Birds, I'm forced into picking them. Funny how the universe works.
Joe: Falcons; I was looking forward to Houston making a Super Bowl run this year. But without Schaub, that just wasn't gonna happen. Without Leinart, a playoff win is probably also out of the question. With Jake Delhomme, may God have mercy on your souls!
Nick: Texans. Houston still has one of the league's best running games and an underrated defense. Gimme the home dog.
Andy: With such a strong start, I wondered how the Texans were going to reach their organizationally-mandated goal of an 8-8 season. With the Jake Delhomme signing, my questions have been answered.

SKINS (+3) vs J!E!T!S!
Figgs: Skins. Lotta home dogs.
Joe: Jets; Sanchez sucks. Grossman sucks worse.
Nick: Jets. My sucker bet of the week. ($)
Andy: michigan sucks!

PATSIES (-20) vs The Artist Formerly Known as the Fighting Peytons
Figgs: Indy. My favorite name from Andy this week.
Joe: Colts; The Pats should easily role here, but I heard a stat that teams that are 20+ point favorites in NFL history are only 2-7. So, I'll go with the %'s and take the Colts getting this many points.
Nick: Pats. Easiest 20-point cover ever. ($)
Andy: I remember in 2007 when the Patriots were just fire-bombing the entire league, they had a line of -22 against the Dolphins and won by 21. This blogger called that one right. Booyakasha.

PHISH (-3) vs Black Hole
Figgs: Fins. Ha, don't worry, Joe, I always have trouble deciphering some of Andy's nicknames.
Joe: Raiders; I am not even sure who is playing in some of these games with these ridiculous names, but I'm guessing this is the Raiders. Anyway, I like the way the Phish have been playing, but I have loved the Raiders all year, and getting points here? Sign me up!
Nick: Raiders. Okay, sucker bet number two. ($)
Andy: Who else would "Black Hole" be?

VIKES (-1.5) vs Donks
Figgs: Vikes. This line baffles me. Denver is beating weak teams (as Andy said, with defense) and Minny is a weak team.
Joe: Vikings; The Tebow magic finally gets cooled off. During his winning streak, he hasn't faced a pashrusher the likes of Jared Allen yet. He's gonna find out what that's like on Sunday.
Nick: Donks. No Peterson = no offense for Minny. TIMMY TEE! ($)
Andy: Just so we're all clear on this: the Broncos' defense and a string of weak opponents are the main reasons for their recent success. I hope we all understand this.

BUFFALOES (-2.5) vs Titties
Figgs: Jills. Has a team fallen more than Buffalo?
Joe: Titans; Still fighting for a playoff spot. Buffalo...not so much.
Nick: Titans. Just can't endorse the Billskis against a moderately competent team.
Andy: Somewhere, Frank Wycheck will be sitting and enjoying this game.

DA BEARS (-7) vs Chieves
Figgs: Push. That's right - I'm picking a push. Suck on that one!
Joe: Bears; Caleb Hanie sucks. Tyler Palko sucks worse.
Nick: Bears. Defense and Matt Forte should be enough in this one.
Andy: If nothing else in the early games this Sunday, I'll be rooting for a seven-point Bears win.


Sunday, 4 pm kickoff

CLEVELAND FUCKIN' BROWNS (+6.5) vs Ratbirds
Figgs: BROWNS. Even on opposite week, I can't pick against us.
Joe: Goddamn Browns; Baltimore has tanked a couple of road games already this year coming off of big wins, and here's to hoping they do it again. The only thing that worries me is that they have had a long layoff before facing us.
Nick: Ravens. I need at least seven here to consider us. If Baltimore had a big divisional game like Pittsburgh coming up next week, I might look at this as a letdown game. Unfortunately they have Indy next week.
Andy: I am a fan of the Cleveland Browns. Nick said last week that he was "not picking us until we show something on offense" in defending his incorrect pick against the Browns. Does 17 points count as "something"? Will he do the right thing and pick Cleveland this week? Stay tuned.

PHOENIXES (+4.5) vs Pokes
Figgs: Cards. I have nothing to say about this game.
Joe: Cowboys; Johnny Bones standing in the way of a potential division title for Dallas. I wouldn't worry too much about that one.
Nick: Cowboys, although weird things happen in Arizona.
Andy: I'm glad someone picked up on Johnny Bones! Watching Dallas on Thanksgiving, I noticed Jerry Jones (probably because they cut to him almost constantly) and thought about how odd it would be to wear a suit to every NFL game you attend. I mean, you already own the team, you don't need to impress anyone - why not sport something more comfortable?

G-MEN (+7) vs Pack
Figgs: Giants. MORE LIKE DISCOUNT DOUBLE GAY!
Joe: Packers; I think the only way they don't go undefeated is if they bench some players late in the season.
Nick: Packers. Why go against GB at this point?
Andy: Green Bay is good at playing football.

GOLD-DIGGERS (-13) vs Ewes
Figgs: Niners. Yes, I had to look up what an Ewe was. Apparently a female ram. I get it now. I assume that's it, and there isn't a football team named after "an ethnic group in Eastern part of Ghana, Benin and Togo."
Joe: 49ers; Clear mismatch. And with Harbaugh not ever shy about running up a score, I'm not too worried about the backdoor cover here.
Nick: Niners. The Rams are not good, on the road, long week for SF, and no Bradford.
Andy: Ghana, Benin, and Togo are on byes this week.


Sunday Night Football

AIN'TS (-9) vs Megatrons
Figgs: Lions. I tried for about a minute and a half to come up with a good "Suh stomping on someone" joke and came up empty. It's been a long day.
Joe: Saints; Brees and company are rolling right now and I look for them to Ndomastomp all over a Lions team that has come back to earth the 2nd half of the season. (See what I did there?)
Nick: Saints. The backdoor cover scares me, but the Saints are rolling and the Lions are much better up front than in the secondary.
Andy: The Suh thing is totally ridiculous - two games is light. First, he's already firmly established himself as the league's dirtiest player, then he bangs a guy's head into the ground a bunch of times and stomps on his arm. Bad enough. THEN he issues a post-game statement where he claims he didn't mean to step on the guy's arm, which is an absolute flat-out lie. THEN he issues some lame apology, but not to, you know, the guy whose arm he stomped.

AND THEN...he appeals his two-game suspension. That's some nerve right there. What, did you think the NFL was going to re-review the video and say, you know what, we shouldn't suspend him? Do you REALLY think that suspension wasn't merited? Unreal.


Monday Night Football

JAGONS (+3) vs Bolts
Figgs: Jax. Are we really gonna see Luke McCown in primetime? God help us.
Joe: Chargers; They have absolutely lived up to everything I've said about them all year. But if Jason's right about Luke McCown starting, I simply must pick the Bolts here.
Nick: Jags. Just so we're clear - the Chargers have lost six consecutive games and they're road favorites? Yeah, I don't get it either.
Andy: Anyone else remember Luke McCown's last primetime game? It was December 26, 2004, and McCown QB's the Browns to a 10-7 loss in Miami. He made one awesome deep throw for the TD across his body, then...not much else.

3 comments:

Andy said...

Just an epic week of blog comedy from the brothers there - outstanding work, fellows.

I'm sure Nick's picks will be funny Sunday night after the games are over, too.

Joe Figgs said...

I remember Luke McCown in 2004. I was in attendence for Luke McCowns' first NFL start against the Patriots. I remember thinking if this kid pans out, I will always be able to say that I was there when he got his start. I was prepared to purchase a #12 McCown jersey and ride off into the sunset with this guy.
As it turns out, the Pats returned the opening kick for a TD and went on to beat us 42-7. The McCown era lasted all of 4 games and he simply became the next of a brutally long list of bad Browns QBs in the last decade. I never bought that jersey, and I rarely tell people that I was there for Luke's 1st start, because I doubt anyone actually remembers it.

Figgs said...

Even the Costanza method screws me this year. My actual picks this week would have given me a 10-6 record, one of my best of the year. And so it goes, as it has in 2011.