NFL Picks: Week 14

If this were a sports betting site, we'd have a picture of now-tied-for-first-place Bucko at the top looking half-serious/half-dorky with a banner saying "Bucko is on an INCREDIBLE 12-3-1 run!!!!" In fact, why don't we have this?

Anyway, I can step back from the ledge a bit, now that we're all over .500 (even Nick's $ picks) and thus have some degree of football acumen above that of random chance. With just four weeks left in the regular season, things are very tight, with only four games separating our five prognosticators. And in the spirit of the holidays (including the upcoming one-year anniversary of the Browns' cold-weather win over the Steelers), this is the week each year where I call every team something that amuses me.

Last Week
Andy: 11-4-1
Figgs: 9-6-1
Nick: 10-5-1
Bucko: 12-3-1 (!!)
Gopo: 6-9-1

Nick's Money Picks ($): 3-2
Figgs' Money Picks ($): 1-1-1


Standings
Figgs: 97-88-7
Bucko: 97-88-7
Andy: 95-90-7
Nick: 94-91-7
Gopo: 93-92-7

Nick's Money Picks ($): 28-27-3
Figgs' Money Picks ($): 25-12-3


Thursday game, 8:20 pm
TITTIES (+3) vs Peytons
Andy: Colts. Would you believe these teams only differ by a single point in +/- for the year? Indy's lost three straight against good teams - Tennessee's dropped five in a row against...not as good of teams. Also, if Rodgers is Bucko's man-crush, then Peyton is his Cougar.
Figgs: Colts. Manning, this is your last chance with me. ($)
Nick: Colts. Nick literally and figuratively phoned this one in.
Bucko: Colts. I can't really go the other way after what Andy said.
Gopo: Colts. Manning bounces back.


Sunday games
1 pm kickoff

BUFFALO FOOTBALL BUFFALOES (-1) vs The Cleveland Fuckin' Browns
Andy: Browns, Browns, Browns. The Buffaloes are 32nd against the run, Cleveland has Peyton Hillis, and we showed last year that we can win football games without bothering to pass, a valuable skill when Jake Delhomme is one's QB. Plus the Cleveland D looked really solid last week against the Fish. Watch me try to rationalize this pick.
Figgs: BROWNS! ($)
Nick:Browns. ($)
Bucko: Browns. Any team that has "Fuckin'" in their title gets my vote.
Gopo: Browns. Think Cleveland is the better team and I'm not giving points to take a 2 win team, even if they are at home.

SQUEALERS (-9) vs Bungles
Andy: Bengals. I can go several ways on this. One way is picking against Cincy because after me showing support for them all year and them repeatedly screwing me (they fooled me, Jerry!), I finally switch off of them and they cover. The other way is picking against Pittsburgh because I hate when they win yet fail to cover for me, tossing another log on my raging anti-Steeler bonfire. So, I'm left with my own dubious game analysis, which actually falls along the same lines as Gopo's.
Figgs: Shitsburgh. Boooo.
Nick: Bengals.
Bucko: Squealers. At home and fighting for home field in playoffs.
Gopo: Bungles. Steelers *should* win this one, but this is Cincy's rivalry game. Not only is Palmer an awesome garbage time QB, but this could be a letdown game for the Steelers after the Ravens last weekend. I think the Steelers win, but it's closer than it should be.

MATT MILLEN'S DUBIOUS LEGACY (+6.5) vs Bucko's Man-Crush
Andy: Packers. I think Detroit's covering magic has evaporated a bit thanks to Vegas adjusting lines - early in the year this line would have been like +9. And Gopo, these names are really easy to figure out for someone as in touch with the NFL as you are, come on. You know which team Matt Millen ran into the ground, and if you've read our group's picks at all, you know who Bucko fawns over each week.
Figgs: Lions. I think they can keep it relatively close.
Nick: Pack.
Bucko: Lions. Packers struggled against them earlier this year. I still love you Rodgers.
Gopo: These names are confusing - I'm not entirely sure who is actually playing in these games. I also refuse to look them up, so I'm just going to take a guess. Packers.

STERGERS (+1) vs New Jersey's NFC Club
Andy: Giants. Same reasoning as last week: LeBron sucks. Also: what Bucko said. I can't believe this isn't like +3.5 or something. Minnesota's coach is named Leslie - does anyone understand how so many Leslies, Ashleys, and Shannons make it into the NFL? You never see them in the NHL. And regarding Minnesota's team name: I saw a headline where Sterger just wants to resolve the case quietly. How about you just go away? That would do the trick.
Figgs: Giants.
Nick: Giants.
Bucko: Giants. They're the better team and it's only 1 point.
Gopo: Giants.

NATIVE AMERICANS (+1) vs Buccos
Andy: Bucs. They can and have beaten bad teams, and Washington fits that bill. I like to imagine Bucko's comment being made in Dennis Green voice: "THEY'RE BETTER THAN WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!! GO AHEAD, CROWN TAMPA BAY'S ASS!!" Goodness, that Dennis Green press conference never gets old. Derek Anderson still has a lot to learn about melting down in Arizona post-game pressers.
Figgs: Bucs. It turns out they are a pretty good team. Washington on the other hand... ($)
Nick: Bucs. Really want to pull the trigger on the Skins because of Tampa's injuries, but they're a mess.
Bucko: Bucs. They're better than we thought they were.
Gopo: Bucs.

SEX PANTHERS (+7.5) vs Dirty Birds
Andy: Falcons. I'm aware of the trap game potential, I see that extra half-point on the line, and I know it's not in a dome, but Atlanta just looks like they are on a mission. If they beat us by 10 on the road, they can beat an awful Panther team that just got thrashed in Seattle last week.
Figgs: Falcons. I'd give up to 12 or 13 here.
Nick: Falcons.
Bucko: Dirty Birds. Wow they look good. Matt Ryan underrated.
Gopo: Falcons.

JAGOFFS (-4.5) vs "Weird" Al Davis
Andy: Jaguars. To me, one of the most surprising decent clubs in the league. Oakland's win shocked me last week, but West Coast teams are terrible in 1 pm East Coast games, and I don't like the Raiders on the road.
Figgs: Jax. I thought the Raiders were an alright team, then they lost to some bad teams, then they come back and crush the Chargers. I don't know what to do with them.
Nick: Jagoffs.
Bucko: Jagoffs. Jones-Drew is running well.
Gopo: Raiders.


4 pm kickoff

1849ERS (-5.5) vs Seacocks
Andy: Seattle. Even had Mr. Smith stayed in the lineup, I would have felt uncomfortable giving points to take the gold-diggers, plus Seattle absolutely destroyed San Fiasco in week one and has a better record. Home-road split be damned, I'm taking the Sea Chickens.
Figgs: Seattle. The Niners get what they deserve for benching Troy Smith.
Nick: Niners. Really? Everyone's taking Seattle? The Niners have been a disappointment, but they're still 6-6 ATS.
Bucko: Seahawks.
Gopo: Seahawks.

'AINTS (-9.5) vs LA Rams
Andy: Rams. Does this line make sense to you guys? Why do I have to give more points to take the Saints in a game against a decent Aries team than I did against a comically inept Bengal team last week? Looking at your picks, I see that you agree with me. My only concern is that the Rams aren't quite ready for prime time, and the Saints are playing like the Super Bowl Champions that they are, rattling off five straight W's. The 12/27 Saints-Falcons MNF should be a hell of a contest.
Figgs: Rams. Too many points for me.
Nick: Rams. They've been one of the best ATS this season. They can keep it within this number
Bucko: Rams. That's a lot of points.
Gopo: Rams.

JETROPOLITANS (-5.5) vs Fish
Andy: Jets. One of the easiest picks on the board for me here. Henne and the Miami offense simply can't move the ball, it's going to be cold in New York, and the Jets need to unleash some of the frustration from last week's embarrassing drubbing at the hands of the Patsies.
Figgs: Jets. They are much better than how they played last week.
Nick: Jets.
Bucko: Fish.
Gopo: Jets.

I PUT MY FREAKIN' HEART AND SOUL INTO THIS TEAM EVERY WEEK (+5.5) vs You Can't Beat Denver! Why Don't You Just Go Home!?
Andy: Cardinals. It was hard to type that, kind of like in Dr. Strangelove where his arm keeps doing things and he can't stop it. But how can I be expected to give 5.5 points to take Denver on the road, even against a DA-led Cardinal team? I can't.
Figgs: Cards. They win despite DA.
Nick: WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO HOME ARIZONA? YOU CAN'T BEAT DENVERRR!
Bucko: Denver. Knowshon all day long.
Gopo: Denver.

SUPERCHARGERS (-6.5) vs Chieves
Andy: Chargers. When San Diago wins, they win big, and I think they'll do that against a Chief club that barely beat Denver in Arrowhead last week. But while we're here - what on Earth happened to the Chargers last week?
Figgs: Chargers. I was gonna go with KC, but I have no clue who their backup QB is.
Nick: Chargers.
Bucko: Chargers. Doesn't look like Cassel will play.
Gopo: Chargers.

BEARS (+2) vs Patriots
Andy: Patriots. They're kinda good.
Figgs: Pats
Nick: Pats. All damn day. ($ -3)
Bucko: Pats.
Gopo: Pats


Sunday Night Football, 8:20 pm

HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS! (+3.5) vs Sunny in Philly
Andy: Cowboys. Lots of interesting comments from the group here. One has to wonder what, exactly, Wade Phillips was doing to this club when he was the coach.
Figgs: Philly.
Nick: Philly. ($ -4)
Bucko: Philly.
Gopo: Philly.

Monday Night Football, 8:30 pm

OILERS (+3) vs Ratbirds
Andy: Ravens. A lot of the lines this week were puzzling to me, and this tiny field goal separating a 5-7 Texan squad from a tough Baltimore team is one of them.
Figgs: Ravens. Boooo. ($)
Nick: Ravens. ($ -2.5)
Bucko: Ravens
Gopo: Texans.